Hai, again?
It's been almost a week since the last time I tried to write a blog and today is an English day, I guess.
Today I feel awful as awful as I can be for so long. I am... not... okay...
and I have to admit that I am not okay. I wanna vanish to another country and try to be a new person with a new life, new book, new page, new story, and new path.
I know that it can be done somehow, it is not that impossible for that, but deep down I know that it can't be done in a way. I can't just leave and left behind all my life that I've been done. I am gonna be so irresponsible and felt guilty after that. But today is one of the day when I feel really awful, I can sense that it is getting closer to new year and I don't know why all that memory from 2022 creeping in so sudden in my heart and mind.
I know that it's been almost 2 years ago, I know that I've tried my best to do better. I know that I am aware with my problem way much more than that year, but the memories creeping in and I hate it somehow.
I hate that I have to write "hate" a lot. Because I know that it means my brain get to be so friendly with that word nowadays. I've tried to love myself, I promise. But nowadays I don't know. I don't know about myself, again. I wanna cry but I can't and it hurts so much. My heart is tired and suddenly here he comes in my life. I know that he is so kind and not pretentious. But deep down I feel really awful because I think I am the one who has been pretentious all this time. I long for love, I long for someone who can accept me for who I am, who I can be comfortable with, and who I can put my priorities up ahead. I've tried and tried but my heart aches and feels that I betrayed his trust in me, betrayed all that act that gave him hope while I am still not sure about my feelings. It is complicated, why do we have to feel so hard when it comes to love? isn't it supposed to be easy? I am not easy to fall in love and when I can it's gonna be hard to forget. It is been days, weeks, even months and my feeling keeps unsettling, now I feel really awful.
This week is not really kind to me, I am lost in thought, I can not wake up early, my sleep cycle is falling apart and my health? don't let me say it cuz it's sooo bad lately. I need something to pull me out of this abyss, it's getting dark and tearing me apart. I am happy when someone puts expectations on me, waiting for me, but I am gonna feel awful if I can not fulfil that excitement. I am not good. I feel really bad. I shout to myself to cry with songs in my ears with the hope that it can ease the pain in my heart. But it is not enough to make my old self come back to me, my old self that can say "I am okay, this day will pass, and there's a good and bright day ahead". Deep down I know that we grow up, we can't be children forever, but I loved myself back then, when I knew nothing, when everything was okay. Even my tears are reluctant to fall down from my eyes, I can't make the sadness be a sadness. I am crying but I am not clear what's so sad? it hurts so much. Deep down I am aware that God is not sleeping, I am gonna be okay and I need to strive, but I kept hoping that I could get a new life and all the pain suddenly just gone. I wanna keep living to know about the future, about the other side of this world, to know more about happiness but something keeps killing me inside. There are days that I feel I am alive but not really, it's like floating like my soul is not attached. Can someone like me deserve someone? what is love? love is something you need to be compassionate about, it is something that needs hard work because it is what love about that I grew up with. That's how I feel from my family and now I don't understand why it is so hard to be loved and loving someone.
It is longer than I expected but I still wanna keep writing. My tears dried up but my heart longed for it. I kept listening to those sad songs to make me cry, singing out loud to make the sadness disappear. Please go away! I don't want you! please spare me, my heart hurts and my brain getting numb. I needed to finish it before my mom came to my room. I am tired. I realize that I had an episode, it's relapse, it's here. I am screaming God's name in silence and my heart is pierced, it hurts so much like I wanna die. I cried for 2 minutes while holding my teddy bear.
Comments
Post a Comment